There is only so much, that I can say from day to day life, my social “experiments” during my travels work about as well as conducting medical experiments on myself. From the behavior of those around me, I find that most of our kind tend to swing one way, or the other. They either prefer being alone, or they prefer company. I on the other hand, find myself emotionally exhausted when I’m in large groups. I think that is just a remnant of a human nervous disorder, I’ve never been certain how to interact with others. But when I do, I always find myself flocked with regard. I’m well liked, but you never know when something might change. People, and not just humans. Are flighty, prone to emotional outbursts. You cannot rely on past successes with all people.
When I was still a child, human years of course, I recall the day my Husband’s father, the Tribe’s High Elder came to my mother. Mother was flustered, Nephew was sick with a fever, High Elder offered my mother a high place in the tribe. She would sit beside his wife. A seat reserved visiting Elder’s from the neighboring tribes. Mother was uncertain, she thought High Elder wanted my as his second wife, our people only had one mate. He was to come for several days with gifts and fruits as a bride price. I was charming, on my very best behavior, I never raised my eyes to meet his. I made he and his first wife gifts, clothing, jewelry of seeds. When he brought his eldest son, I was shocked. I remained the obedient daughter, but turned my gifts onto the Elder’s son. I made him Moccasins, he never wore them, I made intricate bead jewelry for him to wear around his neck. He threw them to the birds. I made meals for him of the meats and vegetables brought as a bride price, and he scorned me. I never met his eye, but always heard his sneers.
When High Elder married us, my husband would not look at me, he certainly would not touch me. I was 13 years old, the women in the tribe chastised me, telling me that if I did not bear a son I would be cast out. I went to High Elder and pleaded with him, I was quickly his favorite daughter, he would never have done a thing to hurt me. When husband still refused me, high elder sent him away with the hunting group. When husband was not away he would not have the meat he hunted himself. He would send me to find fish, and roots, or whatever red meat I could catch on my own. I became stong, and proud. But High Elder grew furious with my husband, he noticed that my skin was darkened from the sun, my hands and feet were callused. He threatened to take me away and make me his second wife, as first wife was growing older and could no longer bear children. I learned then, that the solitude makes one strong, but company can hurt you. Whenever High Elder scorned my husband he would return to me angrily. He would throw the food to the ground, toss the bowls at my face, then trap me indoors for a week while my face and body healed. My hunting made me strong. I could easily take what he dished out, but even when my skin no longer darkened where he hit me, he still would lock me away. I never could forget these fears.
When I was turned and the world changed. The only lives I managed to spare in that village were the lives of my blood family and the High Elder and his wife. I always remembered that they had loved me, or perhaps I had just charmed them beyond the norm. Being that my human memories are exceptionally strong, and never faded, I remember longing for the company of the high elder, dreading my husband.
Now I feel I am the same still. rarely changing. I long for the company of those who would love me, my sisters, my old friends, and even some new friends. However I am still wary and prone to excusing myself for long periods of time, just to give people… a break, I suppose you could call it that. For even after 271 years of being, and 257 years of this life, I still cannot help but worry over who will come home to me angry.
∆Senna∆
